Hey, guys, I saw your mom pull up,
so put down your juice boxes, close up your tabs.
You don't have to go to your mom's house,
but you gotta get the heck out of here.
You know, Dad, you forgot all about my cello practice yesterday.
Or did I?
And you forgot to remind me about my science paper.
Sorry, Hammer. I talked to you about it last night.
You told me you finished it,
so we're gonna have to tell Mom about that one.
Or do we?
Hey, guys. Would you go wait in the car?
I gotta talk to your dad for a second.
Well, if we're gonna talk, I need one of them as a witness.
I just wanted to remind you that starting tomorrow
is that thing I told you about last week.
Yeah, the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have no idea what I'm talking about.
- Yeah, the thing. No, I don't know. - Gary.
I told you. If you want me to really remember something,
you have to make it rhyme and turn it into a catchy tune.
I was hired to be a research assistant on a project that's cool,
so I need you to drop off and pick up the kids at their school
for the next six weeks.
- Yeah, I can't do it. - What?
I'm renovating the Mackenzie House. Big job.
Wow. That's a historic landmark.
I gotta be on-site all the time and keep an eye on the workers.
This could really lead to a lot more work,
so, sorry, you're gonna have to find somebody else.
Well, that's too bad.
Maybe you know someone who could help me with these.
Yeah, I won them in a raffle.
- Laker tickets. - They are, yeah.
Of course, I don't think they're very good seats,
because they're behind a bench of some kind.
You win! You win! You win!
- Lakers, Cavaliers. You totally win! - Yeah.
Okay, look, I'll drive the kids around whenever you need me to,
and I'll keep my ears open and my eyes open for anybody
- that could help you part-time, okay? - Thank you.
- Let me have them. - Gary, there are your tickets.
It's never a pleasure doing business with you.
I gotta bring my air horn to the game.
Not you. I mean the actual one that used to come in a can.
Well, have fun with Dennis at the Lakers.
All my orgasms were fakers for the last 15 years.
Wow! Look at these seats!
These are way better than last time we went.
I know, remember? Our seats were terrible.
You put your binoculars in front of my binoculars
and we still couldn't tell which dot was Kobe.
We're gonna sit behind the bench!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Good morning, Mr. Brooks.
Hi, Miss Peters. I like to make all my workers feel good.
I give them a motivational hug every morning. Raul!
That...
I'm not gonna let you down, Miss Peters. I appreciate the work,
and you're gonna find that my crew is top-notch and professional.
Whoa. Déjà vu.
No, it's not déjà vu, Dad. It's your fifth trip into the room.
No, no, no, that's not it. It's something else. What is this place?
It's the Mackenzie House. It's an historic landmark.
No.
Yes. Yes, this was owned by Hamish Mackenzie.
He was a shipping magnate in the late 19th century.
The house was restored in 1975,
and before that, it was a flophouse for indigents and hippies.
That's it! I lived here in '71!
Do you still got that big orgy room
out in the backyard with the giant doors?
You mean the carriage house?
No, I'm pretty sure it was an orgy room.
I get a tax break by hiring him.
Pardon me, I'm looking for my...
Gary! This is amazing!
Yeah, I... Well, I can't disagree.
- Wow. How long has it been? - Well, I don't know.
Probably since, like, the last time we saw each other, which was when?
You don't recognize me, do you?
Throw a drink in my face. See if it jogs my memory.
- Anna. - Anna. You're...
Oh, my God, Anna! You're Dennis' little sister, Anna!
- It's good to see you again. - You, too.
All right, Anna, you were supposed to be here an hour ago.
When you're late, you gotta call me.
I'm sorry, Dennis, okay? I was out looking for a job.
You want me off your couch, don't you?
Whoa. On your couch? What's the matter? You're not...
You're not still living in Chicago?
No. I moved back after my jerk boyfriend dumped me.
- Come on. Who would dump you? - Lots of guys.
Really?
No. She's serious. Lots of guys. Lots.
Now, how'd the job search go today?
Well, I got one offer,
but I don't wanna dress up like a cell phone
and hand out coupons at the racetrack.
Hey, hey. I might have a job for you.
Allison's looking for someone to help out around the house part-time
and with the kids.
Really? That would be great. How are Louise and Tom?
Fantastic and easily distracted, in that order.
Allison, it's Gary. I have the answer to all your problems.
You know, except for your stretch marks and your screechy voice.
We must have gotten disconnected or something.
Here, you talk to her, okay?
Allison, hi. It's Anna Lopez.
I hear you're looking for somebody. Okay...
- What's wrong, Dennis? - What's wrong? Anna's back in town.
You see, I'm the oldest brother,
and it's my responsibility to look after her.
My dad said he'll murder me if anything ever happens to her.
Your dad's not gonna murder you.
Oh, no? Latinos are very protective and literal.
I wasn't always the oldest brother, Gary.
I'm starting later this afternoon! Can you believe it?
- Hey, that's great. - Thank you, Gary!
Okay, that's great. Save...
Save some of that hug for Allison, okay?
Okay, I will. Bye, Gary. See you, stupid.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- Hi. - Hey. Sorry to bother you, Gary.
Louise wanted me to come by and feed her fish.
She said you would forget.
Louise has fish?
- Come on in. - Where's her room?
Right down the hall on the right. It's the girly one.
- How's it going over there? - Fantastic.
Thank you so much for getting me the job.
Of course. Come on, you're Dennis' sister.
I gotta look out for you, right?
Remember when you and Dennis drove me to college
and you took me to the wrong Carolina?
Yeah. I still think you would've done great at Clemson, though.
Yeah, but I didn't apply there, and I didn't have any place to live,
so it would have made for a rough freshman year.
Yeah.
But the job's great. Allison's awesome, and I guess I'll be over here a lot,
assuming the goldfish stay alive.
Yeah, I don't know. We're having a bad run.
In the fish world, my toilet's known as "death's waterslide."
- So, this is your new house, huh? - Yeah.
It's kind of like my old house took a dump and this one came out.
It looks a little better with a buzz. Can I get you a beer?
Well, I'm off the clock, and in a way, you're my boss, so I guess I have to.
Well, that's great. You made it through your first day of Allison, you know?
(LOUDLY) She's no picnic to work for, and she's no picnic to be married to,
and she's certainly not easy to go on a picnic with when you're married to...
Oh, my gosh. I was speaking way too loudly.
I thought you were still in the other room.
I thought I was supposed to follow you in here.
Well, I'm glad you did, because I'm lazy. Here.
Well, here's to getting to know each other again.
Here you go.
You know, I had a huge crush on you when I was younger.
Really? I didn't know that.
Yeah. I used to kiss my pillow and pretend it was you.
What a coincidence.
I used to kiss Allison and pretend it was anyone else.
- Are you nervous? - No.
- You're trembling. - I'm standing in the refrigerator.
Let me warm you up.
Wait, wait, wait. Come on, Anna. This is wrong.
You're Dennis' little sister. Come on.
Well, technically, I'm not his little sister anymore.
I'm a grown woman, or haven't you noticed?
Yeah. I noticed, okay?
I noticed, I noticed, I noticed, I noticed.
Look, if we did go through with this and this did happen,
which I'm sure it would be one of the greatest things
to ever happen to me in my life,
and I am including the time I rode behind Chuck Norris on an escalator...
What if we broke up? Then Dennis, his heart would be broken.
He's my best friend. I can't let that happen to him. I'm sorry.
Okay, you're right. You're a good friend.
I just wanted to fulfill an innocent little fantasy
where I turned Gary Brooks inside out with wild sex.
(SQUEAKILY) Well, that's not gonna happen.
Is there any way you can pretend for one little minute
that you're not my brother's best friend?
Just one minute and I'll never bother you again.
Anna, you have to realize some... Okay.
ANNA: We should probably stop now.
No way, I got 48 seconds left. I'm counting in my head. Forty-five.
Whoa, whoa, hey!
I don't know how that snake bit you on your tongue,
but I think I sucked out all the poison.
I better go find that little bugger.
Stop.
Dennis, I can explain.
- You don't have to explain. I have eyes. - Gary and I were just...
Just making me the happiest older brother in the world!
Oh, my God, I'm so happy.
- I'm not following you. - This is great!
Everyone in my family has been praying
that Anna would find a decent guy, and she finally did!
Really, who?
You, you knucklehead. Come on.
I'm gonna get out of here,
and you guys go back to doing whatever it is you were doing.
Oh, man.
Well, that was weird, and you know what?
Now that the sense of danger is out of it,
it's really not even that interesting anymore.
Yeah.
Anna?
Oh, my gosh, Anna, last night was amazing.
I can't even believe it. Anna?
Morning, hon.
I let you sleep in, but you better get moving.
I did the laundry.
Little thing, honey, would you mind emptying your pockets
before you throw stuff in the hamper?
I've been fishing change out of the dryer all morning.
You did the laundry?
And the doctor called confirming your appointment on Friday.
Sweetie, could you let me know when you make appointments
so I don't schedule stuff for the same time?
We're a team, right?
How long was I asleep?
This parlor room is currently under renovation,
but this is where Mr. Mackenzie took his breakfast,
drew up contracts and met with local merchants.
Yeah, and Dennis Hopper played backgammon
with Frank Zappa right there.
Pay him no mind. That rumor is unsubstantiated.
Now, if everyone could just head
- into the kitchen there... - Yeah, where...
Where Tommy Smothers never made hash browns!
Hash brownies!
And, yes, he did.
I think she's starting to dig me.
What's wrong?
Dad, it's Dennis' sister. She's kind of making me a little crazy.
We hooked up, like, three days ago,
and she's acting like we're a married couple.
Wow, that's the second wedding I've missed of yours.
No, we're not married, Dad.
Then that's the second divorce I missed. Excuse me.
Hey, Gary, look who I found.
Sweetie, you forgot your lunch.
You'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on.
You know what? Thank you,
but I'm gonna go out to eat with the guys today, okay?
Restaurant food is full of salt, and I like my Gary not puffy.
And I bought you some new underwear. I thought you might like to try a pair
where the elastic band is attached to the fabric.
How adorable are you guys? I just wanna eat you up.
Dennis, I talked to Mom and Dad.
They want us all to get together at Grandma's for Easter.
I can't wait for you to meet our grandma, man.
- Me? - She is just gonna eat you
- with a spoon. - All right, what's with you people?
Can't you like somebody without eating them?
Stop it. I'll see you at dinner, okay?
And don't be late. I'm making something special.
- Okay. - Bye, honey.
- Bye-bye. - See you, stupid.
I've never seen Anna this happy before.
I mean, it's so great that she's with somebody
that's gonna treat her right,
- not like all the other guys. - Yeah, you know what?
To be fair, we never heard all those other guys' stories.
- Hey, Allison. - Hey, Gary, what are you doing here?
You don't have the kids today.
What, I have to have the kids to walk into your house?
According to the court, yeah.
Look, I know you're working super hard with school and everything,
and I really forced Dennis' sister down your throat,
so if it's a big inconvenience and it's not working out for you,
I'm really sorry about that.
No, Anna's amazing. I couldn't get along without her.
So if she was to get angry and suddenly leave town,
that wouldn't be cool?
No, that wouldn't be cool. I mean, I love her and the kids love her.
The only thing that isn't cool is
she started dating some creepy older guy.
You might know him. He's you! Gary, are you insane?
I finally find a perfect nanny.
Mary Poppins comes floating down from the sky,
and you're looking up her skirt.
She's smothering me, Allison!
She leaves "I love you, Gary" Post-its all over the house, right?
She draws hearts on my mirrors with lipstick.
And she runs baths for me! She rubs my feet!
What a bitch.
Look, Gary, you cannot break up with her, okay?
If you dump her, she will dump me,
and I need her a whole lot more than I need you.
- We'll find someone else. - You are stuck, Gary. Okay?
The only thing you can hope for is for Anna to break up with you.
That way, Dennis won't be pissed at you
and she won't leave me.
She's not gonna break up with me. Who would leave this?
Me. And any other woman with legs.
Why did you leave me? Why did we get a divorce?
Okay, there are boxes of transcripts, Gary.
You can read them.
Look, if you want her to break up with you,
just stop being first-date Gary, you know?
Be 10-years-down-the-road Gary, with the open boxers at breakfast
and the peeing in the shower
- and the... - All right, I get it.
Yeah, the gassy, scratchy, burpy, slurpy,
cutting-your-toenails-on-the-sofa Gary.
I get it! I'm a disgusting man!
How you doing?
Hey, sweetie. Where you been?
At a bar. I know you probably made dinner and everything,
but I already filled up on wings and beer,
and if you're mad, I don't care.
I'm not mad. I'll just put it in the fridge and you can have it later.
Hey, don't feed it to me as leftovers, 'cause I don't eat leftovers, all right?
And if you're mad about that, I don't care.
I'm not mad. You should eat whatever you want.
You know what? Maybe I don't wanna eat whatever I want.
What's with you?
It seems like a totally different guy just walked in the door.
Yeah, he did, okay, baby doll.
The real Gary Brooks just walked in that door, all right?
Get used to it. And if you're mad, I don't care.
Are you kidding? I love it!
This means that you are comfortable enough
in our relationship to be yourself!
We just took a huge leap forward today!
Okay. All right. Okay. Thank you.
- Time out! - Great.
I don't wanna take a leap forward. I just got out of a marriage,
and with you, it's like I got back into another marriage.
It's like... You're acting like my wife!
You mean because I cook your favorite food and take care of you
and make love to you whenever you want?
Yeah, you're nothing like my wife.
It's been three days. Don't you think this is a little intense?
Wait, wait, wait, what are you saying? Are you breaking up with me?
No, I'm not. I would like you to break up with me.
- Well, that's not gonna happen. - Okay, then I am breaking up with you.
- Why? - Don't take this the wrong way.
You're beautiful and I really like you, but you're a teeny bit bananas.
Here we go. I'm getting the banana talk again.
Again? You've had the banana talk before?
Lots of times.
And the banana talk is the very first warning sign there's something wrong.
- Anna, I didn't mean any... - No, no, no, no, no. You blew it.
There's no coming back from bananas.
Hey, there he is.
- You talk to your sister? - No.
Guess you didn't hear the big news.
I knew this was gonna happen,
but I just didn't think it was gonna happen so soon.
- Dennis, Dennis... - Wait, wait, wait.
I'm gonna remember this moment forever, and I wanna make it perfect.
Wait.
No.
Okay, say the words I've been dying to hear.
- I dumped your sister. - Those weren't them. Try again.
Look, it didn't work out. I broke up with her.
That's all there is to it. It's no big deal, okay?
You know what? You can't just treat her like some toy
and toss her aside, you know?
A real friend wouldn't do that. You suck, and I quit.
Can we go somewhere and talk about this?
You know, anything you have to say to me,
you can say in front of my friends. My real friends.
Your real friends? We picked three of these guys up this morning.
Well, you know what? I trust them a lot more than I trust you, Gary.
Dennis, look, it didn't work out with me and your sister.
I tried to tell her that, but she wouldn't listen, all right?
So it's her fault?
Can you believe this, guys? He's blaming my sister.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(ALL EX CLAIMING)
I knew that if we broke up, it would break your heart,
and I didn't want to do that to you, okay?
So it's my fault. Yeah. Can you believe this guy?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(ALL EX CLAIMING)
To be fair, there's two sides to every story,
and I'm not sure my side's being represented here.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(ALL LAUGHING)
- I'm out of here. - Dennis, wait a second.
You said your sister was a handful, didn't you?
I don't know what you're talking about.
You told me she got dumped by lots of guys. Lots. Your words.
We're a passionate culture, that's all I know.
Didn't a part of you want me and your sister to work out
so you wouldn't have to worry about her anymore?
- No. - No?
- I don't know. - You don't know?
- Maybe. - Maybe?
- Okay, yes. - Yeah.
I got carried away. I got excited about you being part of our family.
Dennis, you're my best friend. We already are a family, okay?
Can't we just go back to being you and me?
I don't know. What do you guys think?
(ALL MURMURING)
Four of us think you should stay together,
three are against, and one of us thinks the whole thing is kind of gay.
What do you think? That's four for staying together,
three against and one "kind of gay."
I still got the Laker tickets. We got purple and gold paint here.
We could paint a big "L" on my chest. Will you paint a big "A" on your chest?
Now it's unanimous. We all think it's kind of gay.
(MAN AND WOMAN LAUGHING)
Oh, my gosh, Dad!
Hey, Gare. You know Miss Peters.
Yeah. Hi, Miss Peters.
- Mr. Brooks. - Yeah. Is my dad bothering you?
No, but you are kind of harshing my mellow.
Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna take a sick day.